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Growing up Between Worlds: Navigating Identity, Family, and Mental Health

For children of immigrants, life often means living between two worlds—balancing different cultures, languages, and expectations. Many grow up questioning their identity: Am I too American? Do I look “Brown enough”? Is my Spanish—or any other language—the right kind? These tensions can bring shame, self-doubt, and a sense of disconnection from one’s roots.

Sahaj Kaur Kohli, a licensed therapist and author of But What Will People Say? Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love, and Family Between Cultures, explores these challenges. She also founded the online community Brown Girl Therapy, which creates a safe space for children of immigrants who feel caught between competing cultural values. Her book blends memoir and self-help, combining her personal story with therapeutic insights to help readers understand identity, relationships, and emotions.

Raised in Virginia by Indian Sikh parents, Kohli grew up navigating the tension between her family’s collectivist values—emphasizing community, duty, and family reputation—and Western ideals of independence and self-expression. The book delves into this struggle and offers guidance for others facing similar challenges.

“But what will people say?”

Kohli explains that the title comes from her parents’ reaction when she started therapy.

“They were worried about what others would think. At the time, it was painful, but now I understand their perspective. In many immigrant families, imperfection is seen as failure—and that fear of judgment is tied to cultural survival.”

She emphasizes that worrying about others’ opinions isn’t weakness—it’s a learned strategy for belonging. “We grow up putting family and community first. Worrying about what people think becomes a way to stay accepted and safe,” she says. For Kohli, it meant never feeling fully enough—not Indian enough in one setting, too American in another.

Writing as Healing

Writing the book was difficult and deeply personal.

“I had to relive painful memories, face parts of myself I wanted to ignore, and regulate a lot of difficult emotions,” Kohli shares.

Yet, the process was healing and necessary. She noticed that many self-help books are written from a Western, individualistic perspective that doesn’t resonate with people from immigrant backgrounds. “I wanted to create something inclusive—something that integrates collectivist values like family, duty, and community,” she explains.

Kohli also avoided the typical “expert voice” of self-help books. “I’m not here to tell people what to do. I’m only an expert on my own life. My goal was to guide readers through my story so they could take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.”

Ultimately, But What Will People Say? is more than a memoir—it’s a conversation about identity, healing, and belonging. Kohli invites readers to examine how family expectations influence mental health and to redefine self-care in culturally grounded, compassionate ways. Through her honesty and vulnerability, she shows that reconciling multiple identities isn’t about choosing one over the other—it’s about embracing the full spectrum of who we are.